Monday, November 21, 2011

For those of you that truly know me, you are already aware of the fact that I am not much of a writer. Trying my best to keep this short and sweet, I’d like to share what’s been going on in my life for a while now.

*inhale*

Before I begin, please know and allow me to start by saying that I know exactly how wonderfully blessed I am. I have everything I could ever ask for… a family who I love dearly and never fails to support my every move. My amazing husband of 19 years treats me just like the queen of everything and has been known to move mountains just to please me. He is my rock and I have no idea where I would be today without him. My children, of course, truly are more than I could ever ask for; they are my heart and soul, they are my everything. They deserve a medal, too for putting up with psycho mom. My parents live right up the street from us and we have such a close-knit relationship. They are so supportive and loving to us all, we are very lucky to be so close, it’s wonderful to be so involved with the family, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world! My brother really isn’t so far away… we can go for long periods of time without being in touch yet always seem to pick up right where we left off. He “gets” me (what an awesome feeling) and accepts me for the sister I am. How lucky am I? My life is extremely blessed and has all that I could ever need or want. There are really no words to express how I feel about my family. Words are never enough to make anyone understand how much each and every one of them means to me. Thank you all so much for being the reason… You know how that goes… I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a sister. I am also a friend. Though, over the last few weeks I seem to have fallen short in all categories.

With that being said, recently, for the first time in my life… I lost my grip. I forgot how to smile. I have no energy to muster a smile. Not to say that I haven’t always been moody and temperamental, but this time it’s been definitely and completely different. I have succumbed to unexplained extreme depression and anxiety. I have no idea how this happened, nor do I have an explanation. I have a chemical imbalance. I feel like I’m having a heart attack on a daily basis. (God-forbid) For as long as I can remember, my personality has always been the cheerful, lovey-dovey, outgoing…you know, the “no backbone” type. I’ve rarely uttered the word “no” to anyone outside of my immediate household and this at times, has made a mad-woman. Yes, I know all to well that you can relate… we all find ourselves in this situation at one time or another. To say the least, just maybe my mind has just decided to finally throw my hands in the air and give up? I really don’t know how this happened. (I keep looking for a legitimate reason, yet I now know the triggers) Something that I can confidently say is that this change of life is and has been for way too long, kicking my ass. I am 41 years young and absolutely menopausal. (TMI, I know, but I really don’t care anymore) It has hormonally, been an emotional roller coaster and I am trying desperately to repair a broken spirit. Again, anyone that knows me won’t be surprised when I say that my creativity has spiraled downward. This is nothing new… it’s been spoken of countless times among friends and loved ones in the last couple of years. When I lost that creative feeling, I guess I lost a pretty good sized chunk of my soul. I have been lost without it. Like an itch that you just can’t scratch. Patiently waiting for my muse to return… spending many hours in my art studio just looking around for something to do- to no avail. I am and have always been very (duh!) high energy and have become very high maintenance. Sitting idle and stagnant has NEVER agreed with me. Maybe this has something to do with my mental collapse? Who knows? For some reason, in writing, it seems as though the loss of creativity adds an enormous key element to all of this. Trust me, it does take its toll but I am also not na├»ve. Blame cannot entirely be cast upon my loss of creativity; it’s just an easy scapegoat. There are of course, a number of other circumstances that have added to my stress level over the last few years. Those, I’m just not willing to chatter out loud to the world about.

I want so badly to be myself again, only stronger and more able to cope with harbored and suppressed emotions. I miss my family. I miss my friends; I miss my ability to smile. I want to visit with you all and small talk about nothing. I’m just not able or ready to interact and pretend like I feel fine right now. Trust in knowing that things will be great again, I just need a bit more time. This phase in my life though is different. I can’t do it alone. I’ve tried. Unlike before, I’m not able pick myself up, dust off and move forward. Lately, after falling, it’s been progressively getting harder and harder to pick myself up again. One of my weaknesses: bottling emotion until I literally burst. I have been forced to seek medical attention for this and the good news is, there is help for me. I believe that I now have the tools to cope and am on the road to recovery. Happiness will return, hopefully sooner than later... this is certainly a struggle for someone who has always enjoyed working in the hospitality industry. I am here to please…

All this rambling and why do I feel like I could go on and on… need to say even more? What’s been going through my head? It’s a mental ailment with associated physical symptoms. (I still cannot believe that I have the balls to throw this out there for the world to judge.) This social butterfly has become infected now, with social anxiety. Go figure. I’ll never understand why, life as I know it is pretty damn good right now. I am blessed and fully aware that there are many unfortunate souls out there who have it much worse yet, have the strength of an army to carry on. I really don’t know how one does it under tragic or monumental circumstances. May our God bless all those with special intentions and needs. Thank you all so much for “listening”, I don’t expect you to understand, I just really needed to let go of this.

*exhale*

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